Nobody Knows It but Me
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Ste tries to convince himself that he is over Brendan. A one shot.


_**I hope you enjoy this, It's horrible without Stendan on screen...i miss them so much.**_

___**Nobody Knows It but Me :)**_

_I've never felt more alive than I do right now, living life on the edge and being the person I was born to be. Being with you only tied me down. You made me live my life for you and really no one should have that amount of power over another person. It was like I was brainwashed, nothing mattered to me apart from you. You wormed your way back into my life…my heart and then slowly but surely you threw me away again. At first I was upset, angry, but now I feel relieved._

_Now I'm free from us, free from you and the powers you had that bound me to you. Nothing is holding me back, making my heart skip a beat, making me love. I never was cut out for it and if I'm honest neither were you. You'll never turn my world upside down again; you'll never knock on my door and we'll never get our happy ending, but it's okay…I'm glad it's turned out this way. This life I'm living now is like the biggest adrenaline rush and nothing has ever felt better. _

_Being a bad ass is exciting, liberating and I feel free. I can see why you found it so hard to change. Maybe you were just another lesson I had to learn and I have learnt from you. I've learnt that loving someone with all of your heart is a waste of time and it's a mistake I won't be making again. It's just me and from now on I'm gonna do whatever I want to do. See nothing scares me anymore, not prison, not death…not even you. As for you, you will rot in prison and probably die a lonely man full of bitterness, regrets and broken dreams. I feel sorry for you really._

_I always thought you'd never give up on anything, but you did…you gave up on me. I thought you were strong, but weakness has become you now and I don't recognise you anymore. I thought you were invincible, but I guess I believed in you too much. I should thank you really because now I don't have to worry about you anymore. I'd say I was the one that got lucky in the end. I don't have your shit to deal with now, I don't have to worry about my kid's and everything I once loved is gone, but that's just fine with me._

_It's like we have switched roles and to be honest I'm doing a pretty good job of being more like you. I don't need anyone; I can take care of myself now. I'm standing on my own two feet and getting on with life, taking every opportunity that come's my way. Drugs and violence is only the beginning, I know I'm made for so much more and I can't wait to see what the future holds for me. Maybe I can't put my own past right…Terry definitely has it coming._

_These are all the things I tell myself every day, I tell myself I don't care, but the truth is, I do. How could I be better off without you? You are the love of my life and you always will be. I feel like I'm going insane without you and maybe I am, maybe that's why I try and convince myself and others that I'm over you. Your love meant more to me than anything in the world…I did wait long enough for, it didn't I? But believe me you were worth the wait. You always saw the best in me and I miss that…I miss you._

_In the day I make out that I'm fine, that I'm tough, but when night time comes losing you hits me all over again. I think it's me that will die a lonely old man because I'm full of resentment, full of hate and full of loneliness without you. As for tears…I've cried a river over you and I know I'll cry many more. I am broken…broken beyond repair, the only thing that could fix me would be you coming home, but you're never coming home are you? I should accept that, but I can't._

_This new me, this out of control me stops me thinking so much. It eases the pain I feel a little and for some reason it makes me feel closer to you. How strange does that sound? I have a massive void in my life now, a void that can't be filled by anyone but you and I have to do whatever I can to get me through the days ahead. I know you'd be disappointed in me, but you're not here are you? Thankfully you can't see the mess I'm in, but I wish I could see you one last time._

_It's like you've died, there is nothing left of you now, but you exist in me every day and I promise you I will never forget you. You told me I changed everything, but in fact it was you who changed everything…you changed everything for me. I love you so much, only now you'll never know just how much I love you. I don't regret a thing Bren, even the bad times because we made it in the end didn't we? I'll never love again, I'll never move on and I'll always be your Steven, and nobody knows it but me._

_**Please review and let me know what you think :) xx xx xx**_


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